Why I Posted A Story Of My Miscarriage
I don't think miscarriage is talked of enough. Having just gone through one with my very first pregnancy, I know how enormously difficult is it to even tell someone you have had a miscarriage, let alone talk about what happened to you during the miscarriage. Physically, it is gross, painful, and it makes you feel powerless. Mentally...mentally, you feel like a failure. You grieve for that tiny little fetus. You wonder what you did wrong to have your body kick that little speck of life from your womb. Isn't a female body designed to nurture and carry and deliver a baby? Why didn't your body complete it's biological job? What is wrong with you!
I believe this type of hopeless thinking is the problem. When you have all of these thoughts (and more!) going through your head and round and round like an evil-dream carousel, how is a woman to navigate through the self-hate to talk honestly and productively about something that is so personal, and so soul-destructive when it goes wrong?
When I was told my hormone tests had come back lower in the two day time span, and had not doubled like they should, I knew what was coming. My doctor did her best to soften the blow, but can you really negate the ill-effects from the word miscarriage with words themselves? I don't think you can. So I hopped on google and I searched. I found many examples of the clinical definition of miscarriage, but nothing of how it would feel, physically and mentally, how it would look, or advice on what to do during an actual miscarriage.
This made me feel alone, and even more powerless than before. I am the type of person that likes to know things. Knowledge is power in my mind, and there was a decided lack of knowledge out there for me to find on the internet. My boyfriend and I had to manage on our own, and I think we did an excellent job given the amount of information we had to arm ourselves with. The day after I came home from the hospital, when the worst of the worst was over and behind me, I made a vow that I was going to put my story up for any and all to see. If I can help just one person with the type of practical information I learned in the blood, sweat, and tears of my ordeal, it would be worth it. If just one person reads my story and feels comfort from the fact that someone else had gone through the exact same thing, it would be worth it.
It was very hard to write. It was very hard to re-read. It was very hard to edit. It was so very hard to post. If you have read these few entries and gained a small amount of comfort and knowledge through my story and advice, it was well worth it.
