When The Anxiety Tiger Attacks

Today I am in a death match with the Anxiety Tiger. In all actuality, we have been locked in mortal combat for almost a week. As of right now, it is a stalemate, with no one having the upper hand. I am punching and kicking the hell out of that tiger, but it's big and strong and very mean. The effort of drawing up all my will to the call of battle, and the act of war against the tiger itself, is so enormously exhausting I find I don't have much of me left for my real life. It's all going towards this ongoing mental skirmish, and so focused am I on defeating my foe, that I find myself diminished. 

I usually have some clue early on in these more protracted fights that I should be wary. My beloved morning news seems unsatisfying. Chores suddenly seem to be unimportant. Daily interactions with loved ones become almost burdensome. Warning! Danger ahead! All these are indications from my body and mind that the Anxiety Tiger is not messing around this time, that this is not some hack-and-slash sortie just for kicks. This is to be a serious assault, and I need to hope and pray that I've energy enough stockpiled in my mental bunker, for the Tiger Apocalypse is nigh.

For me, the Tiger Apocalypse is a time where all my energy goes into maintaining a minimum level of mental health. Everything in life becomes much more challenging and much more exhausting. Just doing basic self-care becomes a monumental task. My mind is utterly chaotic. My body feels as if it's been removed from dry land and dumped into the depths of the ocean, to fight against the weight of water and incredible pressure with every movement. My world narrows down to the Anxiety Tiger's assault and my attempts to fend the ravenous beast off. Washing dishes can wait.

After some struggle, I usually find one thing to see me through. I think of this as the "talisman." I find a book, a video game, a webpage, some music, etc, to see me through the conflict. I batten down the hatches, shut the gates to the fortress, lower the portcullis to the castle, and dig in for a long siege. I use the talisman as a somewhat obsessive guiding light to see me through my struggles, for if I don't find something to distract me from compulsively worrying about my anxiety, I spiral down into dooms-ville. The Anxiety tiger feeds off of worry. I try not to make it stronger than it already is.

During the actual battles, I fight my ass off, as I should. But between battles, I repair to my high tower to rest and refresh myself. I eat when I can, take comfort when I can, and distract myself when I can. And when I cannot do any of these things, it is like a suspicious sound outside my fortress. Like the "crack" for a dry branch breaking under an enormous weight. I know then prepare for the next full out frontal assault, for the Tiger approaches. 

So, the tiger and I are presently fighting, but the battle has eased enough to try and do something "normal." If by normal you mean writing about fighting bloody wars with an imaginary symbol for anxiety. Well, hey, it's my normal, and I'll take any normality I can get right now.